MIDSEASON ANALYSIS 2013

* DOWNRIGHT NASTY! *

EXECUTIONERS : In a shocking turn of events [I'm talking of historical fantasy proportions], Luke has become relatively plausible. From the league's worst franchise ever conceived, he has transformed his 2013 selections into a fearsome corp bent on breaking league testimonies. Using the oft underperforming Preset Punch scheme, Luke has slain competitors on way to becoming a heavy playoff favorite. Things to consider are his # 1 pick Jamaal Charles, WR, and PK abilities [possible future records] hacking away at Most Seasonal and Aggregate Points records. These are the most obvious to come tumbling down since the NFL is also pumping out its own offensive annihilations in record-breaking fashion. Luke has now put together back-to-back seasons that have made this franchise relevant. Was the day-trading kid a serious late-bloomer? We shall soon see.

ASSASSINS : Quietly, these killers have moved into playoff contention. Jim is also cranking out a record amount of points only notches behind the above-mentioned doomslayer with a Denver Offensive boom that is taking the world by storm! Going against commissioner decree, Jim was the only owner unaccounted for at the draft and thus lost his season perks, but coasting on the overall success of this franchise in general, this can be easily overlooked if he remains viable. It seems his natural enemy [Shwiings] is the only barrier between him and another playoff berth.

LIGHTNING : Greg has got to win the award for the biggest balls [figuratively that is]. He drafted top tightends specifically for scheme purposes the likes not comparable to any owner striving to make their rosters legit. That being set, he played Jimmy Graham into the Slingshot scheme that worked to perfection during the September sprint going 5-0 and breaking his own personal win streak record. As with all outlier schemes though, the dust settled and Greg dropped three straight games standing at a still-commanding 5-3 with wildcard intentions. This tale of two electric a-"current"ses, has his fans baffled. Who is the real team here? Will Greg manage to adapt to the circulating flow and charge back into a juggernaut?

SHWIINGS : Ray Rice is no longer the San FranShwiingo treat. Bust-status is the word on everyones lips and the constant thoughts accompanying their day. Too dramatic? :) This is really the first time I have seen TGAL juggling a broken roster [see him in action below] with first-pick Doug Martin out for the season, yet he still clings to a division lead based on sheer will. The race to the finish should be an interesting one even though Denver is doing their best to ruin his record 2007 Team Offense New England performance.

ADIRONDACK WOLVES : As the runner-up in Best QB owner ever, Jim felt a strong need to upgrade his field general entering 2013. Tom Brady was given his walking papers and in steps Aaron Rodgers to lead the pack to a third title shot. What everyone cringed about during the draft was the early reach for the GB star in the first round - 9th overall; a trend that was discouraged by all the so-called "experts". In preseason, the wolves were now deemed the worst team roster heading into the season. At midpoint, Jim has proven the naysayers wrong by putting together a strong enough contender, but he has yet to step up and claim his territory firmly in the easiest division in the league.

NEWPORT JAZZ : Crushing the Individual QB record at 60 to start the season, Peyton Manning has guided this team in a straight line towards playoff contention. Typical of jazz however, it wavers and trends off the beaten path so when Mike's WR and RB corps gets into the mix, there is a lot of juxtaposition going on. He has been keen on pronouncing that this is "his year"; let's see if he can improvise these concepts into a smooth polyrhythm.

* UPTIGHT PATSIES! *

NIGHTSHADE : First rounder Trent Richardson was supposed to be the focal-piece for the teams ascension into dominance since the yore days of ultimate enchantment [2002-2004]. However, a trade to Indianapolis has exposed Cleveland's ideals that Trent is too small to break first tackles and lacks the true vision a # 1 RB needs. So far, he is treading bust-status combined with third rounder David Wilson as a complete black hole. Alan maintains a two-game lead and has the feistiness to stave off competition, so the others should beware not to wait around too long before his dark spells take effect.

LYCANTHROPES : George is doing something he is not accustomed too; throwing up a ton of points! The trouble is, there is nothing to show for it because he is in the black-n-blue division. It's just one of those years where he has to grind it out and focus his energy on gaining ground any way he could even though he has no running backs worth mentioning. Backup QB Nick Foles is a nice bonus here and the look of his WR corp is downright juicy!

SLICKS : Back for another knife fight! LeSean McCoy has signed on to a long contract extension and has thus been tagged [the only franchise to have two in their history]. This should lay the foundation for years to come, but it doesn't look good for 2013. Tom is facing constant beatings at the face of the most odd schedule; the most brutal any owner has faced in history. I'll reserve comment on his managerial prowess until after the season plays out.

TROUBADOURS: League expulsion was the news story of the offseason as Scott had repeatedly violated commissioner mandates despite constant warnings. After an agreed settlement, Scott revives his waning status with key maneuvering going into a probationary year. Like almost half the owners this season, however, he is faced with a grueling schedule. A great trade for the #5 RB in the league is key to jumpstart a franchise that once showed promise many, many years ago.

TRANSFORMERS: This franchises's persona relies on the powerful strength and finesse of its wide receivers and this year isn't any different as two of the top three passcatchers in the NFL were protected and enlisted for 2013. Trouble is, while Megatron is doing his best to transform his previous lack of TDs in an NFL record performance into a third act, Julio Jones gets injured. The rest of the receivers at this point are third rate at best and Rich's hope to enlist their special teams proficiencies are all he's got. So far he has had some nice moments, but is gambling Vegas-Style the way to beat the house?

EYEBILLS : Severe bustitude is what this rookie brought to the table. While his virgin eyes pondered the complexities of the league landscape, he went with his favorite teams' rock-toter C..J. Spiller in the first round and it all went downhill from there. Jason lost the first six games which matched the 2nd worst debut ever to kick off a fantasy career. Jason is starting to gamble now with the Special Teams assignments and, while he may have clear vision here and there, it is probably time to counsel him on avoiding the Worst Teams category.

" It's simple; if it jiggles, it's fat. "
Arnold Schwarzenegger


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