MIDSEASON ANALYSIS
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* PRIMED & READY *

JO-T.B. : And as we reach the halfway pole, a familiar presence graces the likes of fantasy football enthusiasts everywhere. By grim determination and drafting saavy, Joe controls the peak of our shaky and streaky Power Rank tree. Never has it been predictable week-to-week and yet, in the Year Of The Injury {the revenge}, Mancuso has kept all the wheels rolling. His point total isn't glamorous, Warner is nursing a sore thumb, but no player position has killed him outright and he remains full of vigor. The champion chomps at the bit as he staves off any who seek to break his second title hope.

SLICKS : Let me throw some numbers at you... ready? 19-9. Now what does that mean to you? If those are the digits that equate a first-half record in a four-year stretch then you are loving yourself as the owner of this franchise. West Canada's adopted son, Thomas Consistency, has continually built a model team. His Greta Garbo-style is classic and he gets the job done every year. I'm sure he will this season as well. Never doubt a proven winner.

COOPERS : This surly, but self-confident owner has a grasp on something great here. Calling bloodcurdling pickups and dictating lineups from the top of the week has become delightfully standard. He is efficient with his Bye week selections and, in that, they look pretty scary. Add in the #1 point total and you have a recipe of an impending nightmare.
By the way, who the 'fuck' is Alice?

NIGHTSHADE : Debateably the most solid RB troop in the league. This team ripped off four straight wins; and then ...three straight losses!!! A balanced team that has lost their balance at the midseason microscope. Not to worry, they appear to have just the proper mind to recover from the shellshock and take another shot at the fantasybowl title.

SHWIINGS : An overexcited team that has a reason to be! This perceived fantasy veteran has been rock-hard in his rookie outing and seems to pull the right g-strings having his franchise off to a sexy start. His superstars have underperformed, but I see no tire in him in finding a will to win; no lack of stamina. If things hold huge and firm, he will shoot into the playoffs.
My, my, too many porn innuendos, I'm going to take a cleansing shower now.

LYCANTHROPES : George stays cute enough to be noticed, but expectations have run slim with his frightful teams.
Fast Fact: On Halloween 2001, there was a full moon {the first since 1947}. Perhaps a new cycle of winning for this franchise will begin.

* OVERCOOKED SPAGHETTI *

SEA LIONS : Psalm 53.5: Ice Cream Man cometh says the Lord. And he shall run Daunte Culpepper onto green pastures where thoust shall throw afoul many passes unto thy demons.' Come on man, the fat lions are a plunderous bunch. Able to do damage, but yet too early to be taken seriously. His point totals bark just enough to make one look onto the open sea with a feverish eye.

X-MEN : The anti-Nightshade: the opposite reversal of fortune this season. A poor draft killed him early, but Dave has picked the FA pool clean with flickering cash and a compelling desire to succeed where the other floundering franchises had yet to discover. He continues to pledge the best turnaround by a team in fantasy football history. Yeah, we'll see.

ROGUES : Holding comfortably steady in the bottom half of the bracket is the droughtful 'Knaves'. It is time Tim comes out of his comfort zone!! Being on pace for the third lowest point total in history shows no appeal for past efforts and future success, yet the team he chases is only a stones' throw away. Perhaps he'll get lucky and kill Goliath (the one with the boner}.

FREIGHT TRAINS : The only one sitting in first class is Marvin Harrison. Sometimes Aaron Brooks sticks his head between the curtains to witness the fine liquor being passed out, but that's it. Honestly though, this year has been undefinable; anything can happen if Bernie's latest notions about Priest Holmes are keen.

SANTA FE RENEGADES : Our newly relocated western franchise swings from the heels with Ricky Williams and Terrell Owens every week. Losing Jamal Anderson put this New Mexican bandit on the run and he may be lost for good if he cannot capture some recommended divisional wins.

TUGBOATS : The image of his logo conjures amusement {a tiny boat plodding through the waters with the weight of the world upon it}. And, so far, this team resembles exactly that. I mean how funny is it when he is the worst team in the league, yet holds the best game of the year thus far and the only one with an undefeated divisional record! I can't stop pounding my knee and guffawing about that one.

If you lend someone $20 and never hear from that person again, it was probably worth it.

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