FINAL ANALYSIS 2013

* SLAUGHTERHOUSE SIX *

EXECUTIONERS : I don't know which way to go with this commentary, but I will start out by saying that Luke has put out the most lethal team in league history. Everyone feared the gallows as they approached that week they would be facing the impending fantasy bloodbath that was about to take place. He slaughtered foes by putting up two of the Top Ten Best Games in league history in back-to-back weeks including a scary playoff score. The Seasonal & Aggregate Point Records were smashed to smithereens under the crushing blows of Josh Gordon & Jamaal Charles. Throw in A.J. Green and this franchise has broken the all-time WR corp record at 13.24 points per play. Impressive was the fact that he erased the effects of the defending champions Assassins in consecutive weeks late in the season as well. The death knell, however, had them lose a personal second straight FantasyBowl in the 4th worst Upset in history after registering the 2nd biggest point spread going into the contest. Luke captured his first ever MOY and is one of the top contenders positioned for a playoff berth in 2014.

ASSASSINS : Congratulation to Jim Gray for becoming the 3rd member of our organization to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame! The Team Offense starring the Denver Broncos has smashed both NFL & fantasy records throughout the country. Jim Gray is now the official # 1 holder of this particular category in league history as well as a playoff Placekicker Individual record that was smashed. This makes the 4th consecutive year that this club had entered the playoffs, but alas, they could not defend their title up against a historical juggernaut. They are the second in the most Seasonal Points ever scored and 4th in Aggregate Points!! With this cutthroat always on the edge of greatness, how can you not see him in control of his glorious future!?

LYCANTHROPES : George wasn't even considered in the playoff race the entire year yet he came up quite respectable in the end netting his third, and a record, franchise COY award and the 5th Highest Seasonal Points in league history! In fact, that was his best as a unit in 16 years of playing fantasy football. He has always sported one of the best WR killing stables ever for an owner with staying power and now has realized the importance of Team Offense which so many owners tend to overlook. Word of caution here is that Geo, more than any owner, has a tendency to fall completely flat off a year of success, so he needs to monitor his preseason rather provocatively. But I bet he won't come up against the 2nd most Brutal Schedule in league history neither.

LIGHTNING : Starting the season 5-0, this team had a statistical chance of making the playoffs at 86%! Great odds right? Well, in a series of misfires and bad luck, the dream season tanked into mediocrity by following up 0-5 [didn't help he faced the 3rd most Brutal Schedule ever]. Greg even used a "Pistol" permit to try and change his outlook, but to no avail. Despite the shortcomings, his season was a success if only to show his drafting expertise is on the rise and his future handling of draft picks are enough to shock even the stoutest of heart. Interesting to note that eight seasons in, his historical tightend corp jumped twenty slots into franchise point producing territory and he now appears as an official Power Owner among our list of greats.

SLICKS : This kid was raked over the coals this year with the Most Brutal Schedule in league history [we are talking out of 192 teams to ever hit the fantasy field]! LeSean McCoy turns the tide of this franchise heading into next year and is the odds-on favorite to compete for a FantasyBowl Title. The most troubling aspect of Dr. Tom is his muddling of his fantasy potential. He is stretched thin with so many facets in his personal life that he isn't submitting his rosters correctly [a trend that extenuates for at least the past five years.] Does he have the emotional fortitude to press forward to make 2014 his most special year ever? If he should about-face due to social pressures, this could be the last we see of him.

SHWIINGS : This is a rare occurrence that T-Gal hasn't made his presence in the playoffs! He always had such an elongated stay, a firm penetration DEEP into the postseason womb! Eck, gross. Thank God that Tom is renaming his franchise to the LEPRECHAUNS in 2014. Perhaps more luck is needed besides his current resident quarterback, because he just faced the 4th most Brutal Schedule this season and it wasn't a money shot.

* DEFRAUDER CONVICTS *

NIGHTSHADE : Nothing was beautiful nor comfortable about this squads rise into fame in 2013. They barely held serve as a threatening force the entire length of the season and often scrambled to plug holes in their mediocre lineup. Except, when it comes to flat-out winning, there is virtually none better than the magenta mist baring down on your soul. Two draft day busts and a traded away # 5 overall RB Knowshon Moreno for a third bust should have spelled the end for him, but this kid has staying power and we all knew that for the past decade and a half. Fate has a way of balancing the fantasy tables and perhaps this was destiny's way of evening the score [ In 2004, that was Alan's best year and he lost. 2013 was Luke's year and Alan won].

NEWPORT JAZZ : Mike has set the standard for all quarterbacks of the past and going forward into the future. Peyton, a debatebly bad first round selection by the league owners around the water cooler, destroyed the QB Team Corp record knocking out Tom Brady's old 2007 mark and singlehandedly plunked this team into the playoffs this season. Mike tried riding the wave with Philip River's career year doing a Firecracker rendition on bass, but that went only so far. Knowing that Manning must come down to earth in 2014, Mike desperately needs to strengthen his RB stable that has hindered him for years.

ADIRONDACK WOLVES : Running a pack of canis lupus on no legs is not how you lead yourself into the playoffs. Well before Thanksgiving hit, there were signs the ground game was in complete disarray as the RBs average was hovering at 4.5 points below league standard and finished the season at 8.08 ppp. No noticeable switch-off was apparent as the sturdy team sunk within the mire of its own making. Jim could be taking on too many foreigns fantasy leagues as sometimes the managerial lineups lack the mark of an enduring firepower.

TRANSFORMERS: Time and again Rich has ignored money deadlines and commissioner mandates therefore leading into an anticipated league expulsion. Butler failed to negotiate two franchise rehabs and was given his unconditional release after many warnings. The cream of the league rises to the top and this guy wanted to remained sour the entire time!

TROUBADOURS: This year turned out to be the worst in this franchises's history by netting the 10th Worst Seasonal Record ever! Scott, again, was a no-show for this years mandatory voting so, by commissioner decree, he has given this bard permission to play his lunatic songs in lands far, far away from here. Scott tried turning pied piper by enticing the league owners to follow him out, but there was no mass exodus. The underhandedness thus came to a complete end thank the Gods [Middle Ages, right?]

EYEBILLS : Jason made a stout effort to avoid the Worst Teams listing by sporting a decent rise from terrible to just plain bad. The 4th Most Brutal schedule in the league didn't help matters as he is now faced with picking of the pieces of his bull [shit] and entering 2014 with a new perspective.

"The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz."
Conan O'Brien


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