FINAL ANALYSIS 2011

* MASTERS OF THE DRAFT *

SHWIINGS : T-Gal has played one of his finest seasons ever by landing as the Second Best Team to set foot on our league turf. Destroying Most & Aggregate Points and becoming the third team to win two Championships and the second to repeat as champion in the last 13 years, word out of his Herkimer bunny mansion is that his next goal is to be the only "Threepeat/Three Title" team to shatter our minds! His managerial genius was evident in the FantasyBowl where he matched his opponents' offensive scheme in the tightest classic we have ever encountered. His inaugural act of 2012 was to be the second owner ever to enter the Hall Of Fame...Congratulations! With Ray Rice in his prime, I don't doubt that the challenge for Best Franchise of all time will be faced sooner than later.

ASSASSINS : This is the fastest progression I have ever seen from any owner in the storied career of our league [short of the accolade-laden compadre up above.] Jim had risen to the ranks of # 4 Best Franchise owner, came out of nowhere to claim the second annual Suicide Tournament, and smashed point records enroute to the Winter League Championship. I honestly never saw a better 1-2 combination of Brees & Foster to incorporate an entrance to a future season as the one Jim is harboring with timely Protection/Franchising. You better watch out for this stealthy killer!

TROUBADOURS: More infamous last year for his "out of nowhere/smack the basketball away" stoppage of the Shwiings pursuit of the consecutive # 1 Power Rank record, Scott has shown that he has firm stage presence. He dabbled in the limelight long enough to show his gamesmanship, but has yet to make a solid burst for the playoffs. Scott has shown his secular skill by rising to the ranks of # 2 Best DraftDay artist. The final run of Adrian Peterson may not happen, so the question on everyones' mind is...Cam he still do it? [No, that was not a typo on the script.]

NIGHTSHADE: Can you sit back and imagine for a moment that you were an owner that spent half your fantasy life slugging it out in the FantasyBowl? How would you feel about yourself? Happy? I'd call it idyllic! Statistically, an owner should only reach the FantasyBowl every six years, yet Alan has seemed to defy the odds and do this at will every other year. [Forget the 1-6 record in those games]. I guess the testament to how prolific an owner he can be is seen in the MOY votes he received from his peers last year despite the Shwiings being a monster. Though there is no viable player with keys to the franchise, always be on alert for this mystical talent to appear!

SLICKS : It's been nearly a decade since this slickster has held the fantasy trophy aloft. Tom still quietly secures the bronze medal in Best Franchise efficiency and we must be real careful on what to conclude at this point. The kid is a hard worker pure and simple and he tries to stay above board in this unforgivingly cruel world [sniff]. Anyway, is ownership working out a new plan for a star QB in a thinning availability pool? There are no redeeming things to speak of last season other than finding a McNugget with McCoy.

ADIRONDACK WOLVES : What a wild final game that sent Jim to the playoffs in that troublemaker Dez Bryant! Not to mention all the fireworks within playoff week! Many intriguing things happening in this animals offseason. We have a possible birth of a Franchise player cub in that den of his in CJ and then the ongoing negotiations with star Tom Brady. All speculative talk is under wraps though while a contract is being worked out. Again, he picks in notorious spot # 5 so there are definitely things on the move here.

* DISASTERS ALONG THE PATH *

NEWPORT JAZZ : Wow, what heartbreak! With Aaron Rodgers flinging zingers and challenging for the QB corp league record, I thought for sure Mike would follow up with some kind of swan song. Like I've always said " DO NOT leave the decision in the hands of the judges. You MUST submit or knock the other guy out!" Wait... no...I am mixing up my thoughts with stupid Dana White UFC advice. Nevermind. Just stay true to your retirement Cheeko!

TRANSFORMERS: Boy, I am going on campaign here and vouch that Rich did his best effort to compete while facing the THIRD hardest schedule in fantasy football league history!! Okay, let's follow that up with placing him in a division featuring the two previous FantasyBowl combatants for 2012! Yeeeaahhhh! Tell me Butler, what are you doing behind the scenes to piss off Lady Luck?

TWO IN THE BUSH : Such lineup potential....squandered. I have had a lot of quitters in my league, but I must say.... Texas-style quitttin'....hmmm....is zee best! Yee-hah!

LYCANTHROPES : In all of George's 14 years of professional fantasy football, this was his absolute worst campaign....a complete defanging of a once proud franchise. Where did this guy go wrong you may ask? Does he have an addiction to energy-sapping mock drafting? Is mocking him right now just adding to the impetuous turmoil? It's all so confusing.

ROLLING ROCKHEADS : So let's state the obvious hypocrisy right off the get-go. I gave a pass to Transformers for their poor season, yet I cannot do the same for this franchise when they had the second worst Brutal schedule in league history. The difference is that I can sense the stone cold asininity of every one of this franchise choices. The unwillingness to adapt away from conventional wisdoms for improvement when things just aren't working...yes I guess like a rock would do..right? Listen, the guy is actually fiercely smart in the outside world, I just don't think he can make it in this one where it really counts. That's right, fantasy football is a more important reflector on your life capabilities than the natural one.

LADYBUGS: As a parttime entomologist hobbyist, I study the effects of bugs on the fantasy world. I'd like to blame this particular roach for handing TGAL a Championship, but I won't because that is just being resentful. I mean who wouldn't give away the future league MVP [Gronk] after losing your #1 Draft pick to injury [Charles] and then qualifying as making the worst two decisions of all time in the same year!!! [is my voice getting loud?] Anyway, like every season it seems, we must shed the superannuated deadweight and add newer, fresher...deadweight.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm. - George Carlin


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