FINAL ANALYSIS 2004

* VICTORS WITH THEIR SPOILS *

NIGHTSHADE : It didn't seem possible! To outperform their previous championship season by making this '04 club far superior?! There must be a repeat waiting to happen for the nasty Shades, right?! How could the 4th best team to ever be formed be snipped out in the finals? Cousin rivalry is the culprit here!! Wait until next year you bastard! Anyways, countless records were smashed to the wayside and losing by two points should not be scoffed at. It will be interesting to note how the other franchises act when facing these newly-paved grounds of record with their virgin eyes.

LIGHTNING : Well, this leads us to our 4th best team to ever play fantasy football! Blades of electricity struck down his purple-hearted foe and spread his ashen waste across the beer-flooded floor of Glory Days. On that fateful winter night, it was the best of both worlds when these two diehards trashtalked eachother with shot chasers in tow. Greg had perhaps the best second half ever known in this league and that began with the acquisition of Muhammad and ended with the request of Kerry Collin's services. Another LaPorteboy showing us that this glorious trophy stays within the family.
Congratulations Greg, on a well-crafted, victorious postseason run.

NEW YORK ALIENS : I talked before about Greg having a terrific second half of the season and when I now look at Mike's stat sheet, it blows my freakin' mind. He leapt out and scared everyone shitless with his blazing cache of points pouring out all over the place. He smashed the 6.5 year old High Game record by 34 points! And then he ties two other performance records with a few tricks up his sleeve and entertains himself as one of the best point producing squads of the last few years. Only thing is, he was battling his own War Of The Worlds. No, not Mars and Earth. It was the first half vs second half of the season. It's still too early to tell if he has the capabilities to put it all together for one complete year.

TUGBOATS : I guess the blowhard couldn't get his wind strong enough to move his sails, huh? Yeah I know, the mascot is an engined vessel, but I was dying to use the boat analogy... so bear with me. John certainly had the numbers to get it done, but there was a gear missing in this guy's mental makeup stretching all the way back to Week #2. It's as if he somehow didn't care about how he finished. Hmmm.... I guess he IS. There is no whining in football.

ROGUES : What an amaz-ing turnaround!! Two contiguous Autumn Division titles and a recognition to all that this franchise has turned his back on his losing past. Once laughed at, the sneaky D&D character has crafted himself an agenda of coming through when times are tough. No, he isn't in a Dark Age anymore. Does this winning streak bank on Shaun Alexander? Will he return to Tim? Does it matter? Draftday 2005 will be interesting.

HERKIMER HAMSTERS : Dave Bunce pulled a hammy when he needed his little legs to churn. When the piss-absorbant sawdust cleared, three years and three winning seasons is the tally we now look upon with respect. This guy might be back next year with a little chip on his shoulder {or a block of cheese}. Who knows!

* DICKSTERS AND THEIR TOILS *

JO-T.B. : Joe is back in the saddle again! It was a long hiatus cavorting in the pasture for this guy. It almost seemed as if he was bottled up in the stables ready to be led away to a glue factory. Getting back into the throe of things {literally} didn't seem to work out again, but he at least whet our appetites by trying to run a West Coast system from out of nowhere. It got him this far, but maybe next year is the time he can cater to it!

SLICKS : Same old story. Manning wins NFL MVP and this franchise is nowhere to be seen all year. How could you not even be in the running after such a beautiful 49 TD performance? This marks the first time that neither twin brother made it to the playoffs in a single season. This franchise has all the components to put together a marvelous season in 2005, but let's hope he can focus enough on player selections instead of chasing ass around that Syracuse campus! Ha, ha

FREIGHT TRAINS : Deplorable showing. Nothing went right for this club except kicking around another team that is one of the the leagues worst ever. Nothing seemed to fit right, go right, act right, or be right. They just plain sucked. Bernie's intensity seems to be evaporating before our eyes and I don't know if he'll return from that dark tunnel he's ventured into. Not franchising Priest Holmes was an unexplainable decision that didn't quite fit with the designed track he put himself onto to begin with. But I'll side with him on one issue that I wouldn't wish on anybody; he had the brutalist schedule this league has ever known. He wound up on the wrong side of the tracks on this one.

X-MEN : Maybe I had the kid all wrong. I haven't seen any firepower from this owner unless it's in an upset role against another team or a vained attempt to post Best Game to claim their money back. When faced with any meaningful matchup or competition, the franchise falls flat. In the grand scheme of things, he's neither too good and never too bad. But mediocrity can only frustrate you after six plus years of trying. Now in a semi-retirement mode, is this the way you go about finding the secret formula for success? You gotta' be in it to win it!

LYCANTHROPES : I feel sorry for the kid. I honestly never seen him exert this much energy in season to try and make a run at the playoffs. Perhaps he just didn't have the tools to work with. You figured that his DraftDay absenteeism might of helped him; it certainly did back in 2001 when he won his only championship! I guess he needs this year off to rest and recuperate. We'll get a more accurate picture of his agenda this summer when we all gather at Mike LaPortes for a much-anticipated draft selection.

EXECUTIONERS : The second worst team we ever had. He was sooo bad, vultures were circling overhead before October ended. He was sooo bad, previous owners {like Bob Cleary who never monitored his team ALL year} scored better than Luke did! He was sooo bad, John Hanlon is looked upon as a Fantasy Football guru {now that's bad}. Luke was so frickin' bad, folks, that I had to invite him back for another year.

Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When reached for comment, Jolie said, " Only three more countries to go." {Conan O'Brien}


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