FINAL ANALYSIS 2003

* PILLARS OF SOCIETY *

NIGHTSHADE : All is right with the world! The veil of darkness has lifted to reveal a destination long dreamt....now realized. {Yes, this commissioner/writer is getting emotional.} The 8-win final run was absolute brilliance in a strong field of contenders. Nightshadians can now shake off the awful aches of bridesmaid years past and finally get to share in the fraternity of champions!! Alan has firmly claimed the right of Best Franchise Ever and should hold that honor with as much pride as everything else he accomplished this year.

LYCANTHROPES : What an admirable turnaround from last season. Two years removed from winning the title and the theatrical kid is back for more {and of course only one LaPorte twin makes it to the postseason any given year, right?} The guy was loaded with talent throughout his lineup, but the subtleties of an offense and defense seemed to be taken lightly. It's kind of funny to see how Ahman Green, snubbed by George as the 2001 MVP, got his revenge by clinching the championship against him. Geo is slowly climbing the ranks of notable good guys and should be an impact manager for years to come.

SLICKS : Yep, {commish checks his watch} right on schedule. Tom didn't compete this year despite an MVP season from his franchise QB. Sometimes I wonder if the tenacity to save on draftpick costs saps their advantage. Tom had more than enough money to work with because Manning kicked back $15 on his tag weeks alone. It seems that whomever he selects on draftday must produce or his season slips away into conventionalism. Tom will be on top next year though...believe me.

ROGUES : Jolly good show {british accent used} {5 minute applause; camera shows Tim smiling in heroes section}. Tim has done it folks, a winning season!!{standing 3 minute applause; camera shows Tim's wife Colleen seated next to him holding a baby with a proud smile}. Even though this fat little hobbit has done everything wrong for half a decade, he is now rather...well...prec-iiiousss!!! {10 minute democratic applause; cameras show Tim standing and bowing politely}. State of Seymour's union? Solid. Hope he can continue his awesome draftpool policies next term.

FREIGHT TRAINS : We was railroaded!! All season long this team was chugging away, fighting to keep valiant hope that he belonged as a top contender. For the most part, he should have been in the playoffs, but faltered on two key chances to solidify himself. Bernie Inc. just couldn't come through on earmarked games. That is not a shot at his effort at all; it was outstanding, it's just that this year he wasn't strong enough to hold the course under that mountain of pressure.

TUGBOATS : Here is another team that seemed destined for great things, but fell respectfully short. Okay, so John has played the shipwreck {2001}, the Titanic {2002; preaccident}, and now the cruiseship {fun just to exist, but not meant for anything special}. He is a man of many faces and appettites; we've seen them all and do not know what to expect next. Perhaps a liferaft? {blow-up doll style with the big boobs.}

* KILLERS OF PIETY *

HERKIMER HAMSTERS : Dave Bunce has surprised many by making it to the postseason on his first try. We thought the team name was a joke, but hey, doesn't this modest guy work at Rudy's? Isn't there a movie about this? A guy from a working-class family chasing after a dream and making something out of nothing? And just like Rudy, he showed up on the field getting his glory {even though he had major limitations}. I'd like to see the sequel next summer.
Ruuuudi! Ruuuudi! Ruuuuudi!

JO-T.B. : Gather round the TV kids, it's time for everyone's favorite reality show ~ AVERAGE JOE. Yes people, watch as the fat geeks whine and pine after the gorgeous gal just waiting to date them until Mr. Studly walks into the room. Mancuso seems to be twisting in his seat watching the new guys claim his silver football. While Joe still is a formidable foe, his years of dominance are on the decline. A second year of mediocrity might make him realize that he must shift off traditional drafting notions and play a more crafty game. After all, his competitors are no mere punks like they used to be.

EXECUTIONERS : Boy, talk about falling on your own hatchet. This boy thought that cash can solve his problems, but what is important is not the hype of a player but the immediate potential and production. Vick on roster the whole year? Please rookie, step aside. Let the real killers among us walk freely on by.

X-MEN : Dave build his house on sand. Ha, ha. Everytime he tried putting the components together, a part of his lineup would sag, slip away, and falter. It's admirable to note that he studied the strong push of many NFL backups and bought them, but generally, it provided no real consistency. With this in mind, Dave may have a renewed outlook for the 2004 season. Trash the old players, cash in your job; challenge again with a revamped roster and take a new career that suits you. Just wanted to ask about the fact you replaced the ice cream owner {Jack Jesmer} and now you are one yourself.
Does that mean you are going to adopt his horrible habits too? I hope not.

LIGHTNING : This miserable season drove Greg back into bookying. {With a strong recommendation from yours truly}. There was not a zap of strength in this team all year and it cracks me up to think that he lauded McNabb as the next coming. Oh well, I guess most can't see what lies ahead within the turbulents skies of fantasy football.
Let's see if he can charge himself up for next year.

NEW YORK ALIENS : Before I could even realize it, Mike Miller was the third worst fantasy team we ever had. He even strived to contend as worst overall francise. I can't believe it. Is he really that bad considering all the joke owners we had in our past? Maybe he can take our minds off what a miserable struggle he is having. Take a digital picture of yourself being abducted by aliens. Sell it to KMART magazine or something. You need some exciting publicity! We'll give him another year to correct his flaws before we dress him up in ladie's lingerie and strut him in front of Glory Days during happy hour.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. {Churchill}


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