FINAL ANALYSIS 2002

* TABLE OF KINGS *

SLICKS : A flood of pure exhilaration is felt in the LaPorte household as Tom completes a trifecta of champions. Mike won in 1999 {foreign league} and now Tom follows up his brother with a third championship!!! He owned his division the whole 14 week season and firmly cemented his place as one of the three best owners ever to flip through a fantasy football magazine. Now you can take your beautiful girlfriend out to dinner and show her what a true slickster you really are!

TUGBOATS : A disappointing end in a glorious year for John Piseck. Thirteen wins {straight} in a regular season was the best record ever recorded and the two misgotten losses really burned his ships in the harbor. First-pick Marshall Faulk faltered down the stretch, but excellent play from the bottom third of his lineup helped through November without much worry. This owner is eager to compliment this season next year with another superior team proving he is no amusement park ferry.

FREIGHT TRAINS : As predicted, these track terrors launched full steam into the playoffs. Bernie has engineered a squad to be proud of while showing power with the increase of wins each season. His rise in the managerial dept. is evident despite his oddly-silent rebuffs on most trade offers & voting polls. This wasn't his glory year since Holmes went down like a sack of coal, but next season could show folks how serious a competitor this franchise has become.

NIGHTSHADE : A disasterous playoff finish {second worst personal/playoff game} to an otherwise terrific season.
The Buffalo Bills of fantasy football is the current moniker circulating, but how can you begrudge an owner who commends a career .662 win percentage? What about most season and career points? Wait 'til next year? You better believe it.

SEA LIONS : A bitter result from a very good team. By all rights, Jack should be in the playoffs, but the true point producers of the league did make it so there isn't much to be barking about. The seals officially have a winning franchise now and his status as "threatening" is his to enjoy. Two things will make him one of the elite teams next year if he takes commissioner advice: Preseason research & Thanksgiving day accountability! Put more energy into these areas and your time will come, grasshoppa'.

ROGUES : Five straight losses to solidify five straight losing seasons. It seems there is no hope for the 'Rags' with extreme falloffs like that. Will Tim ever climb out of the cellar? Will six wins be his crowning moment since the league's inception in 1998? I don't even want to speculate.

* UNSTABLE WEAKLINGS *

JO-T.B. : A strong finish, but this marks the first postseason missed by Joe-ego. The St. Louis Rams were responsible for sinking many a teams season, but Joe suffered the most at the hands of potential franchise player Kurt Warner's putresence. Now where will Joe turn to restart his next run at the playoffs? Michael Vick?
It will be an interesting off-season for Mancuso, that's for sure.

N.Y. ALIENS : Besides field general Rich Gannon holding court over the NFL, the rest of Miller's crew was somewhere in outer space. Signs pointed downward ever since Matt Bryant took control of Mike's kicking duties. Perhaps the podpeople can clone MVP talent and make a run at mediocrity next season.

LYCANTHROPES : Sometimes a franchise grows complacent after their first championship. That's probably what happened here, because this was not the 'elite team' George promised for the 2002 season. In fact, it was his worst showing ever! Need I add more drama to his array of theatrical talents?

SANTA FE RENEGADES : John can be very unpredictable and this has earned him the status as overemotional owner. We need less of these damaging fits and more solidarity in his managerial department or he'll be forever tagged as the worst owner this league has ever known. His new nickname around the water cooler is "Scent-Of-Fag Ren-A-Fades". Ha, ha...Lovely

LIGHTNING : Making it interesting to the very end, this team was zapped out of postseason contention by relying on poor Minnesota for his playoff push. Still, Greg has the most realistic ambition I've seen out of a rookie owner. He is already recruiting and managing his draft for next season. If he isn't in the playoffs next year, I'll be surprised.

GHOSTS :
Casper was quite adorable this year, wasn't he?

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II.
Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
{Conan O'Brien}

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